Food Review: Chicken Salad

Food I've Never Tried Before: Chicken Salad
Source: Dumser's Dairyland in Ocean City, MD

The whole "salad" genre is something I've avoided for a long time. Potato, tuna, shrimp, pasta and chicken salad... all itema non grata around the Smith residence. Thankfully, there's never been a time when I actually had to eat any of that. Lately, however, I've desired to expand my palate. That's led to bizarro extremes, really, like the time I ate tomatoes on my hamburger.

Today, my co-worker Tanya brought back lunch from nearby eatery Dumser's Dairyland. I've had Dumser's cheesesteaks (adequate), fish and chips (middling) and their chocolate malts (delectable). She offered me half her sub. I accepted sight unseen, under the condition (assumed) that it wasn't a veggie sub.

It was chicken salad. I wavered, thought about ways out of the awkward situation... but really, free food is such a wonderful gift, it's hard to turn down. I accepted.

This was like chicken and mayo-flavored paste. The only way I could force some taste into the stuff was 1) by simultaneously eating a french fry and/or 2) dipping it in ketchup. Blegh. What's the point? And the celery, the crunchy celery snapping between my teeth, it had such an odd texture.

I rate it 5/10. Extra points because it was free.

Canadian Grade School Writing Prompts: Part Two

When I can't think of something to write about, I go straight to my favorite source of inspiration: a Canadian teaching website, and the dozens of excellent elementary school writing prompts. Visit them at http://www.canteach.ca/elementary/prompts.html. This is part two in an ongoing series.


EDITOR'S NOTE: My many readers told me that last time in CGSWP, things were a little, shall we say... negative. Turns out I'd skipped my vitamin B-12 injection... and thank goodness I finally noticed, as my lady would have had a hell of a time getting my cold and clammy body out of our shower. Today I'm back to full strength, all systems go, and I promise I will attempt to think more productively.

1. What if you could walk up walls and across ceilings?


The best application of those skills? Wetworks, my friend, wetworks. Frankly, I'd be looking at a lifetime of spying, intrigue and heavy duty assassinage (my own word, thank you) and I'd get paid great for it. Think about it this way, eventually the United States may find it necessary to take out Venezuela's Hugo Chavez-- he's been a vocal critic of the Bush Administration and a great thorn in our side as far as foreign policy goes. With my wall scaling capabilities, I could sneak into the bathroom of his private quarters in Caracas. When he next uses the restroom to urinate, all I'd have to do is reach down and snap his neck. Then I'd take pictures of his body, blindfolded, in a leather vest I'd secreted into the compound. Those pictures would be used to blackmail the socialist Venezuelan government into backing down off its support of Cuba, Iran and other anti-US regions. Eventually, we could probably get them to supply us with their oil stockpile, lowering fuel costs all over the country.

2. What would happen if everyone wore the same clothes?


I would have to hope that if we all wore the same clothes, there would be some sort of unisexual rigging to it, so that everyone would be comfortable at all times. Nothing gender-specific... in fact, combine the gender... do the suit and kilt thing. That's classy. That says "I'm a member of society and I like to drink and bare my arse. What of it?" And those are golden words, my friends.

So, clearly the fashion industry would collapse, ending (in some but not all ways) the hegemonical control New York, LA and, gah, France have had on Western culture. Wal-Mart stock would decline, then rebound as surely their George brand would have the cheapest kilts imaginable. Plus, there's no way I'm going to Target and the infinitely tacky Mossimo line of kilts.

Then there'd be the changes in world culture. Jews, Muslims and Christians? They finally have something in common-- they all look like idiots. No longer would we judge on the shallow basis of how someone dresses, but instead we'd come to look at the quality of their skin, body and facial features. It'd be a return to the womb, a refresher course on the basics of discrimination. It'd be glory years for plastic surgeons. Invest! Invest! Invest!

3. What would you do if only one hot dog is left and neither you nor your friend have had one?

It would depend on how hungry I was. I won't lie to you-- I like to eat, and one thing I love are hot dogs. Never in my life has one hot dog been enough-- I need that shit like I need oxygen. Grilled reprocessed meats... mmmmm.

Anyway, assuming I'm hungry (and I am), I'd try to pull one of my favorite maneuvers-- a little something I like to call "lying". Here would be the exchange. I'll use my friend Cory as an example:

CORY: Is this it? Only one hot dog?

(I pretend to get a cell phone call)
ME: Holy crap, Cory, that was my friend from the FAA! A plane carrying the entire Washington Capitols team just crash landed outside Hebron!

CORY: Holy God! I've got to get over there!

ME: Run, run!

(Cory starts to run, then stops and turns around.)
CORY: Wait, who do you know at the FAA?

ME: Gulp.