Maximum Spoilage

Dear Everyone Who Knows I Read Comic Books,

Stop calling, texting and emailing me, I know about Captain America.

Regards,
John

Dear Associated Press,

Please, ask your teenage son what "spoilers" mean. I plagiarize your material every single day (past to present tense), and I'm usually pleased with the quality, scope and professionalism your organization embodies. Thing is, the next time Marvel Comics gives you a press release about a major, major event happening in comics, keep in mind that the %.05 percent of the population who actually read comic books might not want the event to be spoiled --on the day it comes out, at that-- in the god-damned headline. It's like running a review of Empire Strikes Back with the legend "Holy Shit, Vader is Luke's Father!"

Jackasses,
John