Written and posted somewhere online on Thursday, Aug 27th, 1998 .

Dear Mr. Castro (or Fidel, if you prefer),

My name is John Smith (like the explorer, yes), and I am a junior
at Wicomico (pronounced "Wee-Comic-Co") High School in Salisbury, Maryland.
As many Americans are, I am quite aware of the troubles of your country and
like many, I sympathize with your nation. I also commend your allowing the
Pope to perform (is it performing? I don't quite know the term...) for your
people. He definetly rocked the house. Living in a capitalist society, we
are often shown images which deglamourize poverty and totalitarian rule, and
many of us are influenced by it. But I am no sheep, no sir Fidel! Unlike
the other citizens of my country, I do not hold you responsible for these
problems. I think it's the pheasants, the dirty, smelly villagers that are
ruining your great land. I mean, they're always whining about something,
whether it be the lack of freedom or their annoying inability to speak
English. Kill all the pheasants, and you'll have a great nation. But
here's the deal, Fidel. You're pushing eighty, you're not the same fascist
anarchist you were thirty years ago. Running that little puke-stain of a
country must be getting old, eh? You'd probably rather be relaxing on a
beach in Aruba, chomping on some Cuban cigars (but I guess you guys just call
them "cigars"), wouldn't you? I know I would. Hell, I've tried, and that's
where the federal charges came from. But I understand your problem, you just
can't drop everything and vacation for the rest of your life, you need a good
Commie Red Totalitarian Dictator to fill in, eh? That's where I come in.
Here's what I'm going to do for you, old buddy Fidel: me and several of my
friends (or "comrades," as you would call them) have chipped in and have come
up with $37.90, a used VCR and 3 tapes of old MacGuyver episodes. We are
offering to trade all these materials, an estimated $90 value (although I
don't know how you can put a price on MacGuyver) for THE ENTIRE ISLAND OF
CUBA!!!

Now hold on now, I know what you're thinking, and I
understand completly- yer thinking there must be a catch. No catch!
Straight up, $37.90, a VCR and MacGuyver! All you have to do is surrender
all rights and privileges to your nation to me! Simple as that! Now let me
give you my plan: me and my friends will make ourselves Emporers of the
Island of Cuba. Now since I was the one who threw in the MacGuyver, I'll be
the "Grand Emporer John I", and you'll all have to answer to me. I'm a good
guy, not harsh or anything. I wouldn't change much, maybe make a few
monuments more anatomically correct here and there, but I will be instituting
laws banning the use of donkeys and chimps in films of a pornographic nature
(I've heard things about your "innocent" little nation...I've heard things).
Other than that, it'll be pretty much the same fascist dictatorship people
have come to expect from Cuba, except this time the rulers'll all be 16 year
old druggies. I hope you will please, please consider my offer in goodwill,
and please respond soon. My phone number is 304-624- 7766, though please
don't call after 11 EST (I have school). Thank you and "dosvedanya."

Sincerely,

Future Grand Emporer
John Smith
centanni73@hotmail.com

P.S. I think you'll like the episodes of MacGuyver. I have the one where he
uses regular everyday stuff to create elaborate devices to get out of
intricate traps. Man that was a good one!

P.P.S. If you could pull some strings and get us Haiti, I could get my friend
Eric to throw in his old Atari and a few games (Ms. Pac-Man, Centipede).
Thanks.