The Day in Pimp 8/18: Rejected Snakes on a Plane plots that I spent thirty seconds coming up with.

The Day in Pimp 8/18: Rejected Snakes on a Plane plots that I spent thirty seconds coming up with.

PIMP: Samuel L. Jackson is a cop or something and there's snakes and titty fucking and guns or something. I don't know. Pretty much the same as the movie. He curses a lot. Anyone directs.

LESS PIMP: Tom Cruise plays Billy Francis, who's working undercover for the Secret Service. He's managed to infiltrate himself into a kabal of Taiwanese revolutionaries who plan on sneaking weaponized anthrax into the United States inside capsules that themselves have been planted inside poisonous water moccasins! Michael Mann directs.

NOT PIMP AT ALL: Rob Schneider is a demented snake charmer who decides to expand his act into a high-flying rattlesnake/barnstorming show. Uwe Boll directs.

PIMPABLE MENTION: Harrison Ford returns as the former President from Air Force One. He's being escorted on a fact-finding mission to New Orleans, an area that, since Hurricane Katrina, has become infested with snakes. You know where this is going. Wolfgang Peterson directs.